Plenty of...Foolishness?

So...if you ask my partner in crime, she'll tell you, I love rabbit holes. Think Alice In Wonderland. When things intrigue me, I'm lost for days learning any and everything I can about it. It almost consumes me.

Or, when I'm involved in something or with someone for reasons that I can't explain. I get a kick out of talking to different people, learn about their upbringing, discovering their behaviors, reasonings, their pasts, and just having conversations with people once I find them interesting. Being that for most of my life I unknowingly assumed that everyone grew up the same way that I grew up, it's always a delight for me. So when anyone acted out of MY character, I was thoroughly confused. And I would spend days, weeks, months and a few times, years, trying to figure out why they would do something like that? And did I play a role in why they did this or that? I tried really hard to understand what happened in their life to make them mistreat me.

Then my brother Phil gave me the best advice. I'd heard it before but it didn't really connect until he said it. It wasn't until that day, at that moment, that it made sense to me. He said:

I'm not about to drive myself crazy trying to figure out why the f**k you crazy!

Lightbulb!!

So this brings me to my latest rabbit hole: online dating. Why is it so taboo? Why is dating so damn hard? Why is it so potentially dangerous? Why do people judge you when you say you met someone online? You lived to tell the tale right? Can people really find genuine relationships via an online dating site? 

I started down this rabbit hole because I generally wanted answers. I wanted to write a story that was nothing like the cautionary tales of others. I wanted to prove that you could have a great experience. I wanted to come away with helpful tips, advice, and encouragement for those that wanted to try this method of dating. 

Boy, was I wrong. I had planned to stay at least 30 days. I lasted 5.

Just like the organic method of dating, it's ugly. Dating has just become...I don't have the words. It's turrible. So after researching a little about where to start, I joined Plenty of Fish dot com on December 7th. Let me preface this by saying that some sites have had to BAN men either from uploading pix or sharing pix in the private messages. I can give you one guess why:

Except, there are no boxes. (FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHY MEN SEND UNSOLICITED PENIS PICS TO WOMEN. WE SHOULD NOT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WORKING WITH, OR NOT WORKING WITH AND WE'VE NEVER HAD A CONVERSATION, NEVER MET OR HAVE NEVER EVEN BEEN INTIMATE).


Anyway, when I joined I put the bare minimum needed to get on. I wanted to browse the pix without getting attention just so I could see what was out there. There were some very nice looking guys on there. Beautiful even. And of course, a lot of sexual memes, pix of guys with towels wrapped around their waist as low as they could go, more regular memes, pictures of money, cars, jewelry, and other materialistic things, pictures of them smoking, their gun collection, etc.  There were also decent selfies and pictures with women's belongings in the background, etc. Everything that you could think of was there. I mean, people are putting forth their best selves to attract someone, right? 

I must add that the app will drain the hell out of your battery and that there are people in prison on there. The site is free but there are certain portions of the site that are paid. These prisoners have paid subscriptions on POF. Where are we going on a date bruh, the commissary? Are you looking for a pen pal and/or somewhere to go when your time is up, IF you are getting out? I need answers! I then had to add to my profile that if you are married or in prison, there's nothing that I can do for you. Moving on...later that day I said to myself, for this to be anything close to authentic to get the responses for this social experiment, you have to be vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable. I almost always instantly regret it. And I was right.

So I updated my profile, again, with pics and my likes/dislikes. I immediately got multiple messages. It was as if fresh blood had been dropped into a sea of sharks. Out of 100 messages, 75 of em were:

Them: Hello. You're beautiful.
Me: Hello! Thank you!
Them: (one of these combos) hru? wyd? a/s/l? Can we go on a date? Ooh lil mama, you a bad bitch.
Me: *silence* 

I didn't learn what "hru" is until I got on there and after I was told, I never answered those again. Pet peeve of mine. Type out the damn words! I also refused to answer questions that were already answered on my page. READ!!! And the spelling? It was atrocious. Not the I typed too fast or my brain is moving faster than my hands atrocious but replies like -  what make heart happy and you fell in love.

20 of em were:

Them: Hi Beautiful Queen, can we have a conversation?
Me: Hi, Sure!!
Them: My number is or I'm not on here much or any other way to work in giving me their phone number and having a phone conversation.
Me: Nah, I'm not that comfortable yet.

I mean, I'm on a dating site right? The point is, to date, right? But something didn't feel right just passing out my number within my first 3 hours. I needed to get a feel for the site and the people first. 

3 of em were:

Them: I must say, I loved reading your profile. You are very beautiful. Hi, my name is ___________. I am a Leo. I am divorced with two children. I like _________. My favorite movies are __________. This is what I give in relationships ____________. This is what I expect in relationships ___________. But I'd like to develop a friendship first. If you read my profile and like what you see, maybe we can have a conversation to see if we're compatible.
Me: *pleasantly surprised*

The last 2: 

Them: OMG! I've been searching all over and I think I finally found my Queen! You are the one for me! Please call me! My number is _____________
How are you today Queen?
Hello?
Here is my number __________, call me.
You're everything I've ever wanted. I know I can make you happy. Please give me a chance. Call me.
Call me.
Where are you?

Me: 

I no longer wanted any parts of it lol but I endured for what ended up being four more days. So I tried a different approach. I tried to be proactive and speak first because the communication portion of this was lacking to say the least. 

Me: Good Morning, how are you doing today?
Them: GM, I'm doing good thanks for asking. How are you?
Me: I'm well thank you. So I see that you are in school, what is your major?

Those kinds of conversations, with the 3 turned out very well. Others? Not so much. They were hell-bent on getting my phone number, giving me theirs, calling me baby, honey, bae and other pet names. It alarmed me that so many guys would be willing to risk it all just because of my physical appearance. I was told I bet you a good woman and we could be happy together. All of this was based on how I looked. 

Beauty fades, guys. Well, at least it can. You need to be attracted to something else. Is my head on straight? How's my heart? How do I treat my Mother? My children? My family? My friends? I could be batshit crazy but they were willing to risk that to meet me. I really have a problem with that b/c if they are doing it, I know others are too. I have homeboys like that. They want the girl that their boys will lust over and everything else that comes along with her is just the cost of doing business. Until she sleeps with his homeboys and then she's all kinds of bitches and hoes. But you brought her into that environment. You wanted her because of how she looked and knew nothing else about her nor cared to learn.

It is beyond alarming or maybe it's just me?

And by the way, I am slightly batshit crazy.

Moving on to common questions asked on POF:
-are you single?
-what brings you to POF?
-how long have you been on here?
-how long ago was your last relationship?
-why did your last relationship end?
-do you want to get married one day?
-how has your POF experience been thus far?
-what are you looking for?

That last question...do I answer that honestly or give a general answer? I was actually stumped. It took me a minute to answer because I questioned that myself. What AM I looking for? Like, in real life? I threw my list away a long time ago. It was a list of almost impossible standards anyway. It made me more cynical because I couldn't find anyone that could check off most of what was on there. So I started settling and overlooking things *insert exasperated sigh accompanied by a hard eye roll*.  If you asked me before I joined POF, I would've said he would need to have a pulse, be completely single, employed, maintaining a relationship with God or a higher power, have goals and ambitions and AT LEAST enough teeth to fill a smile. I meant that. That s'all I got. Anything other than that seems to be a bonus.

I should also mention that POF also seems to be primarily a hook up site. Most are on there just to have sex. Even if you explicitly express that sex is not what you're looking for, they will try you anyway.

I started to see more and more local people so that made me kind of uneasy. Why? Because they probably know somebody that knows somebody that knows me. They'd blow my cover or really try to get at me. I see you locally and hadn't expressed any interest whatsoever. So why would POF be any different? And they got aggressive. And then I started seeing downlow people (who are also on Grinder, the gay Tinder site. My gay friend showed me) and married people. That made me truly sad. 

And then I thought of my daughter. Is this what she has to look forward to? Will there be anyone for her to date? Will she find companionship? Will she get married? Hell, will I find companionship? Will I get married? I know marriage doesn't seem to be what it used to be, but it still means something to me. My father passed shortly after he and my Mom's 42nd wedding anniversary so statistically, it's supposed to happen, right? I had both parents & they were married, so I should be able to cultivate a lasting relationship, right? All 3 of my siblings are married so it shouldn't be far fetched, right?

Well after this experience I can truly say: either I'm too old-fashioned, too slow or destined to be single for life because I couldn't put up with ANY of this. Other than those 3 that read my profile, didn't pressure me and actually initiated conversations about my likes/dislikes, movie choices, etc it was a bust. I don't have a success story or hardly any hope left. I ended up getting kicked off of POF after someone reported me for rejecting them. LOL! They didn't believe that I was a real person anyway! #amIaUnicorn?

It was probably Divine Intervention. I look at it like I was being saved from some hellish fate. The other day I was trying to decide when I'd write this article and what I would say. Then Pills & Automobiles came on and something Gotti said in his verse stuck out to me:

Really wanna be faithful but this shit hard, baby
Yup, I got the p***y first and then I ignored you
You f**ked another ni**a, you ain't loyal
I told you bring a friend, this shit gettin' borin'
She asked me what we are, we just cordial

#FirstOfAll - this is what episodes of Snapped are made of. If you're expecting loyalty, monogamy and for the woman to entertain your sexual fantasies and then turn around and say you're just cordial? You must be out of your rabid ass mind homeboy. Unless that's what she signs up for but you need to have that discussion up front. *sigh* But sadly, he isn't far off.

His lines are what dating has become. A bunch of humans expecting loyalty but not giving it. Expecting relationship benefits without the responsibilities. Expecting a la carte relationships - taking all the good and running from/not dealing with the bad. Do you know what makes a rainbow? Sunshine AND rain. And you know what the biggest disappointment is in dating in this day and age? Because pickings are so few and far between, because of how we are raised, because we want those #RelationshipGoals that we see but know NOTHING of the behind the scenes, what they had to do to get there, what they are having to endure to stay there, WE ARE GIVING IT TO THEM! We are giving it to these narcissistic, selfish, emotionless, scared little humans. Just to say that we have something. Just so we can stop avoiding the family gatherings solo. Just so we can soothe that aching pain at night. Just so we can be held, even if it's a lie.

Just so we can show it off on social media.

To sum it up? Dating is the pits, organically, online or whatsoever. If you have someone, short of them abusing you, your kids and being a molester, hold on to em. Make it work. You don't want to be out here. It's hell. Find you some hobbies and interests and focus on those. Finish that novel. Write that novel. Take that class. Call your college roommate and catch up. Join a book club. Get your passport. Travel and see the world. Take that real estate exam. Learn a 2nd language. Pick up an instrument. Join the Usher Board. Update your resume. Get a library card. Volunteer at a local school.

Do ANYthing but try online dating.

It's okay to be single. Be confident in your singleness. You may or may not get into a relationship, find companionship, find a significant other or get married but be happy with yourself either way. Life just may reward you.

Meanwhile...this is my mood:

Have you tried online dating? How was your experience? Tell us about it in the comments or email it to me at foolishnessorganized@gmail.com We will not share any portions of it without your permission.